


I Get My Information From Woody Woodpecker Cartoons

by crown_of_weeds



Category: Glee
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-06
Updated: 2011-07-06
Packaged: 2017-11-15 07:55:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/524948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crown_of_weeds/pseuds/crown_of_weeds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Glee Club reacts to rumors of Brittany's pregnancy. The style is an experiment, the (bit) after the names is important, and the fic is one I've been thinking about since the episode aired. As usual, Brittany is characterized as having an ID/DD.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Get My Information From Woody Woodpecker Cartoons

****Title: _I Get My Information From Woody Woodpecker Cartoons_  
Author: crown_of_weeds  
Rating: PG13  
Spoilers: 2:15  
Summary: The Glee Club reacts to rumors of Brittany's pregnancy. **  
Disclaimer: I don't own _Glee_ , and neither do I own _Next To Normal_ , from which I have borrowed some of the lyrics from _Maybe (Next To Normal)_. **  
**Author's Note: The style is an experiment, the (bit) after the names is important, and the fic is one I've been thinking about since the episode aired. As usual, Brittany is characterized as having an**[ID/DD](http://www.aaidd.org/content_104.cfm).  
  
  


  
**  
Santana Lopez (Best Friend):**

 

I just want the record to show?

 

Britt _totally_ knows all the disgusting, heterosexual details of how babies are made.

 

Now.

 

*****

 

** Noah Puckerman (Former Pool Boy): **

 

Babies don't get dropped off.

 

*****

 

** Artie Abrams (Boyfriend): **

 

Brittany and I are a match made in heaven, yo.

 

But a baby?

 

We've got enough to do right now, trying to take care of each other.

 

*****

 

** Kurt Hummel (Bambi): **

 

_Brittany_ 's pregnant now?

 

Why the fuck do only the girls who  _can't_ be mothers get the chance?

 

*****

 

** Santana Lopez (Hottest Piece Of Action In This Joint): **

 

Condoms confuse her. I gave her my birth control, and I tried to make it social suicide if I found out a boy was being a  _douchebag_ , but...

 

*****

 

** Kurt Hummel (Ex-Gay-Boyfriend): **

 

I'm not sorry.

 

It's kind of funny though, how the kids who need the most care wind up caring for someone else.

 

*****

 

** Finn Hudson (Glee Club Co-Captain): **

 

I bet Artie would let her name it Drizzle.

 

Sorry. Not cool, man.

 

*****

 

** Artie Abrams (Boyfriend): **

 

Of course she wasn't joking, she doesn't know how.

 

I just wish she'd told me herself.

 

I hate how quiet her voice gets sometimes, you know?

 

*****

 

** William Schuester ** ** (Teacher): **

 

I'm not sure how much gets through with Brittany, to be honest. She's kind of just...off in her own little world most of the time. She seems happy there.

 

I worry about her.

 

I don't think she realizes, how serious this is.

 

*****

** Santana Lopez ** ** (Straight-Up Bitch): **

 

Right, so, I just wanted to set one thing straight:

 

It's  _not_ Britt's fault she's never had sex-ed, okay? Talk to her case manager. I'm not in charge of her fucking IEP.

 

It's also not Britt's fault that the rest of us assumed that since she knew how to do it, she knew why it existed.

 

It  _might_ be my fault that she knew how.

 

But no. None of this is her fault. It's the fault of whoever gave her those goddamn Woody Woodpecker cartoons, sure, but just...just don't blame Britt, okay?

 

*****

** Kurt Hummel (Warbler): **

 

They don't have sex-ed at Dalton, no. The mechanics of straight sex, though, seem pretty obvious. Insert slot A into—look, I'm just saying, Brittany thinks literally. You tell her you want to talk about the birds and the bees, she's going to decide that  _that_ makes a whole lot more sense than millions of tiny squiggles fighting to get with one tiny dot she can't even  _see_ .

 

*****

 

** Artie Abrams (Boyfriend): **

 

We'll figure it out. I mean, there's always social security, right? We're both eligible, that's got to count for something.

 

I'm mostly just upset she's still scared of me.

 

The hell am I going to do, bump into her with a wheel?

 

*****

 

** Lauren Zizes (Future VH1 Star): **

 

People suck.

 

It's mostly just sort of funny.

 

*****

 

**Kurt Hummel (Ex-Gay-Boyfriend):**

 

When I was on the football team, the neanderthals used to have some sort of contest going. Who could make Britt believe the weirdest thing. They had a scoreboard. 

 

When I quit, they were forming alliances? They wanted to convince her that her pom-poms were possessed.

 

You know, I'd never spoken to Santana before then.

 

*****

 

** Santana Lopez (Head Bitch In Charge): **

 

I told Britt not to believe in things she couldn't see.

 

Fuck you, how does that make this  _my_ fault?

 

*****

 

** Noah Puckerman (Father): **

 

_Babies don't just get dropped the fuck off, okay?_

 

*****

 

** Quinn Fabrey (Christian): **

 

Of course I still have Planned Parenthood on my speed-dial.

 

Just in case.

 

I can fix this one, let me talk to her.

 

*****

 

** Mercedes Jones (Gossip): **

 

Santana used to sleep with every boy Brittany even  _looked_ at. 

 

She says it was a competition, but I think in competitions there's supposed to be a winner.

 

Anyways, I bet she's  _totally_ kicking herself right now for not remembering to check on Artie.

 

*****

 

** Tina Cohen-Chang (Artie's Ex-Girlfriend): **

 

Well I guess he  _ did _ retain the full use of his penis.

 

*****

 

** Noah Puckerman (Former Pool Boy): **

 

You can thank me for catching Quinn before she added the Plan B to Brittany's apple juice.

 

I just wish that was the only kind of juice Brittany drank.

 

Last week...

 

Y'ever heard of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, man?

 

Google that shit.

 

*****

 

** Quinn Fabrey (Mother): **

 

I'm aware that I was stupid.

 

Next time I won't talk to Puck.

 

*****

 

**Santana Lopez (Best Friend):**

 

I'm just saying, the problem is the  _boys_ . 

 

*****

 

**Kurt Hummel (Ex-Gay-Boyfriend):**

 

You know what I remember the most about that whole disastrous flirtation with heterosexuality and conventional masculinity?

 

How her face lit up when I called her “Boo”.

 

*****

 

**Artie Abrams (Boyfriend):**

 

Oh god. 

 

What if it's not mine?

 

*****

 

**Lauren Zizes (Future VH1 Star):**

 

I might have been overzealous, telling Abrams he was the baby-daddy. This club is notorious for its drama. I mean, just look at who I'm dating.

 

I suppose I should tell him we're dating.

 

*****

 

** Kurt Hummel (Gay Boyfriend): **

 

I mean, she just...

 

you'd think no one had ever called her anything affectionate, before.

 

She really liked holding hands, too. 

 

She said that wasn't usually allowed.

 

*****

 

** Artie Abrams (Boyfriend): **

 

No, what the hell. Of course I'd raise the kid, either way. I don't care who the Dad is.

 

That's not what I'm worried about.

 

*****

 

** Kurt Hummel ** ** (Warbler): **

 

Oh my god.

 

*****

 

** Santana Lopez (Cheerio): **

 

Wait, does Artie really think--

 

Oh my god.

 

_Oh my god._

 

I'll kill the fucker.

 

*****

** Artie Abrams (Boyfriend): **

 

She's just so scared sometimes, you know.

 

She's just...

 

I've done a really awful job, haven't I.

 

*****

 

** Santana Lopez: **

 

I'll kill  _myself_ .

 

*****

 

** Rachel Berry (Glee Club): **

 

There's not an appropriate song for this, is there.

 

*****

 

** Will Schuester (Teacher): **

 

We've just gotta be sure, first.

 

*****

 

** Mike Chang (Camp Counselor): **

 

This wasn't a joke, was it.

 

I know Mr. Schue thinks it was. 

 

I just think we'd all have liked it better if it actually could have been.

 

*****

** Quinn Fabrey (Mother): **

 

There's just something in my eye. My contact is itching.

 

I'll be fine in a second.

 

*****

 

** Rachel Berry (Glee Club): **

 

This is  _horrifying_ .

 

*****

 

** Noah Puckerman (Troubled But Lovable Miscreant): **

 

I  _wish_ the stork was how it really worked.

 

*****

 

** Santana Lopez: **

 

_Oh my god._

 

*****

 

** Artie Abrams (Boyfriend): **

 

I'm still worried.

 

How do you talk about this shit?

 

I wonder if Rachel has a song.

 

*****

 

** Rachel Berry (Glee Club): **

 

_Maybe we can’t be okay_  
But maybe we’re tough and we’ll try anyway  
We’ll live with what’s real  
Let go of what’s past  
And maybe I’ll see you at last 

 

*****

 

** Kurt Hummel (Bambi): **

 

_I don’t need a life that’s normal_  
That’s way too far away  
But something next to normal  
Would be okay 

 

*****

 

**Artie Abrams (Boyfriend):**

 

_Yeah, something next to normal_  
That’s the thing I’d like to try  
Close enough to normal  
To get by 

 

_We'll get by_

 

*****

 

**Santana Lopez:**

 

_We'll get by._

 

_*****_

 

** Sam Evans (Santana's Boyfriend): **

 

She thought the stork brought babies. That's adorable.

 

Oh, and Santana said she'd dump me if I didn't take your recorder, Jacob. All of this? Off the record.

 

Man, I've always wanted to say that.

  
  
 


End file.
